Happy/Sad

A picture can be worth a thousand words, and mean a thousand different things. This week was just that, a week with many meanings. I have been searching for the ways and words to describe and convey what this week has already taught me. The picture above is the best I can do.

At first glance, I see that our walk-in freezer door is wide open, the plastic curtains pulled back revealing a dirty floor that has dried and turned mud to dust. The shelves are empty, and upon further investigation there is a pedal buggy parked tidily in the corner. As we enter the third week in August, we are trying to fill the shelves in our storage freezer, and here it is warm and empty. With the door open and curtain propped to the side, the freezer also doubles as a luxury parking garage. Catastrophe or opportunity?

On Monday we discovered this freezer was no longer cooling. The thermal mass of probably more than one thousand pounds of frozen meat was enough to keep everything frozen, but with parts and supply chain issues what they are these days, we knew we had to move everything over to our pick/pack freezer. Keeping frozen meat in a freezer is about minimal fluctuations in temperature. The repair looks like it will cost about $5,000 and will take another week to get the parts in. We will be dancing around a tower of boxes in the pick/pack freezer while we pack orders. Please forgive any mistakes as we don’t have the usual space to work in.

On Tuesday morning, I got up early to get all the chores done before breakfast, since Otis is away on vacation. Tuesday’s plan was for me and Racey to help cut up and package our chicken harvest this week. Instead, we had recruited two amazing substitutes, Kristin Kimball from Essex Farm and Elise Silverstein from Tangleroot Farm because Racey and I were headed to Porter Hospital in Middlebury, Vermont. Last week we got results from a small and painless biopsy that revealed cancer cells in Racey’s cervix. Ooph.

So with two seasoned recruits filling our spots in the packing room and the kids dispatched to grandparents’ and friends’ houses, we headed to Middlebury where Racey would undergo surgery to have as much of her cervix (and the cancerous cells) safely removed as possible, and samples taken from the cervical canal and the uterus. Tuesday went well, all things considered. Chad and Gwen led the chicken processing team to glory, and they packed the one remaining freezer with boxes of more chicken. Racey bravely endured the fluorescent lights and windowless rooms of the hospital, as she waited for the surgeon who was behind schedule. I found the shade under a maple tree to be my safe space while I tried in vain to take a nap.

Lying under the tree, watching the leaves move in the wind, I was reminded of how trees have learned to bend in the wind. When the wind picks up, the trees submit and give to the push of the wind. My “orchestra brain” was still spinning from the logistics of planning for us both to be away for chicken processing, and I was beginning to feel the push of reality from the unexpected diagnosis. Could I find the strength to bend?

Everything went well on Tuesday, and we will get the pathology results back this coming week. The doctors are optimistic that the cancer cells are contained and it is still very early. So, onward we go. Racey has been resting and reflecting on the perspective this news has brought to her life. I have been trying to do the same while also stuffing the car full of boxes of baby chicks:)

Lewis and Lovett have risen to the occasion; they can feel the shift in energy in the house. They have set out breakfast for themselves each morning; Lewis helps me with daily chores everyday and Lovett gives massages or “tai chi pats” whenever I need them.

We have had such wonderful support this week from family and friends: prepared meals, fun activities with the kids and thoughtful visits. Thank you to everyone. On Saturday afternoon, I took the kids to The Addams Family production put on by the Depot Theatre here in Westport, NY. Lewis was involved in a kids’ production of Peter Pan Jr this summer, and he has been enthralled by theater ever since. The Addams Family was a fun production; I highly recommend it.

One number towards the end of the musical resonated with me. The song is called Happy/Sad, sung by the father Addams to his daughter. I found a few stray tears wet my cheek as I considered the freedom to allow myself to be both happy and sad at the same time. I tried to embed a music player below. Or click on the following spotify link or youtube link to give a listen.