Peace Through Pain

We got a lot of good name suggestions for Rose’s foal: Reba, Lena, Ronnie, Polyantha, Floribunda, Whipper and Edith. Edith, or Edie for short, hit home for us. Not only is it my Mom’s name, who has been a huge help the past few weeks, but it was also the name of two dear dear family members who both passed away recently. My Grandmother Edie passed away at 98 and Racey’s 2nd Mom, Linda Shen “AKA Edith”, died of Esophagal cancer. We know those two are in peace, and we are so glad their memories will live on in this new being.

It has been 4 weeks since I (Nathan) have done any typing. Most of the time the posture needed to look at a screen is too painful for me and the intensity of looking at a screen doesn’t help either. And so it is, perhaps, a sign of improvement to be here at the keyboard. I generally have a fun photo from the week to share but at the time of writing this Racey is off picking up the kids and the last farm photo my phone took was at the end of May. I’ll just have to settle for the images words can weave.

I’ll offer a brief update in two parts: physical and mental/emotional.

Physical: during a recent visit to UVM department of neurosurgery the nurse gave me a sympathetic smile and described my situation as “amazing…in the wrong way.” She pulled up the images from my MRI to explain. Usually there is a vague relationship between what imagery (the MRI) shows and the symptoms of pain the patient exhibits. In my case however, she was able to show me exactly where the L5-S1 disc had herniated and was pushing directly on the S1 nerve root (the sciatic nerve). Thus the painful symptoms down my right leg. This week we tried an epidural injection of cortisone into the area around the nerve root to see if that will relieve some or all of the pain. So far I’ve had some shift in pain intensity and duration, but not complete relief. If progress is still very slow for the next few weeks we’ll consider a surgery to remove part of the herniated disc.

Emotional: The best pain relief I have found is through deep relaxation and meditation. While I did not intentionally choose a 4+ week meditation vacation in June, I imagine the little characters from “inside out” hemming and hawing whether to pull the big red lever and then finally deciding enough was enough, Nathan needed something to find a new perspective. I struggle to put into clear written words what my journey has taught me in the last few weeks, but to start with, it has shown me Peace.

A friend gave me a book of poems and writings titled “inward” by an author named yung pueblo. I’ll end with two poems that have resonated with me.

healing yourself can be messy

seeing yourself through honesty

can be jarring and tough; it can even
temporarily cause imbalance in your life

it is hard work to open yourself
up to release your burdens

like removing thorns from your body,
it may hurt at first, but it is
ultimately for your highest good

the dark clouds of rainfall are
necessary for new growth

---

progress
is when we
forgive ourselves
for taking so long
to treat our bodies
like a home